[ falco goes quiet at the question and that may just as well be his response: a small nod into the legs he’s propped his head and arms into after he’s finished his soup and placed it on the nightstand was an affirmation. yes, he had wanted to do it to save someone. it didn’t happen the way he’d expected, and it still didn’t save her. ]
If there’s a way . . . I want it to be here.
[ he almost says: I want to stay here, but it doesn’t come up yet. he doesn’t have the courage to say it out loud again, and . . . it makes him feel like a tremendous coward. he’s letting everyone down, even when there’s nothing else he could do back home. there was nothing left but loneliness, even if they did win.
there was no reason why they should keep fighting (but they still did). yet, his cheeks go green under his sleeves when he decides to speak again and says this: ]
I want . . . To stay here with you. For a really long time.
[He strokes Falco's back, trying to calm him. He can feel that the other's emotions are mixed and complicated, but he has to try.]
I want you to stay too. If... if you'd be happy. I want you to be happy, more than anything.
[He reaches over and puts his hand on Falco's cheek, gently tugging his head up so he can look the other in the eyes.]
We'll figure something out. I know we will. I can... ask... if you're okay with that. But just... I want you to be happy. You don't deserve to have something like this hanging over your head.
[He leans in and kisses Falco's forehead gently before pressing his own against his forehead.]
[ it was hard to look into this boy’s eyes without getting little heart-leaps. jun holds his face and falco gets hit with warm pressure to his forehead, feeling his eyes falling shut before seeing it come close.
it’s . . . so hard to see a light somewhere, on one hand. marley has been studying it for hundreds of years, and they’ve found nothing to stunt the process. if it has to do with technology, something they surely didn’t have at the same level, then— we’ll find a way, together.
so many people extending themselves for him, that it was even harder to leave the twinkle of hope in the dark. if everyone was trying? it was unfair to accept. he had to try, too. (and isn’t that what his older self had wanted?)
these growing arms of his pull jun into a tight hug, where his chin could rest on his shoulder. ]
[He lifts a hand to hold Falco's head gently, his other arm wrapping around the boy's body.]
Not... really. I don't think he had much more of a clue. It... was a little hard, seeing him all grown up, to be honest.
[He... should explain.]
I don't know how much I'll grow here. If I even can. You... I know things look hopeless at home now, but maybe there's a solution...
[Falco might be able to return home. He can't. He has no other place to go, and seeing Falco grown up just reminded him of that on a visceral level.]
But that's not your fault. I know you're going to apologize for it, but don't. We'll find a solution for you, though. I know we will. I... I'll dig it up myself if I have to. You deserve to live for a long, long time.
[ this is the first time he’s hearing about this, so falco listens with full attention. he’d like to stay hugged too, but feeling a worry like that, he begins to slip his arms off of jun in favor of looking him in the eye, with a trusting lean forward to hear him and to be heard. ]
But you do, too. [ jun has reinforced the idea that he deserves to live a long life, but he’s not the only one. they were both put into dark places and forced to fight. that didn’t make one or the other less deserving. but also— ] . . . Why wouldn’t you grow?
[ he says that faster than anything else, with his brows drawn seriously and his hand on top of jun’s. he raises it to his chest, where his heart beats and sends blood to the rest of his body.
[ falco goes quiet too, but there’s still . . . dissonance. he can feel it. while he doesn’t quite smile, well— he’s not ready to steer off topic. leaving things buried right when he’d said he’d be honest felt counter productive. ]
Maybe I’ll be taller than you . . . [ that’s half a joke, but a little too serious to bring out the play in it at full. he doesn’t feel it. ] Jun . . . I know you’re dead back home. It’s not like I don’t believe you.
[ he pulls the air in through his nose, holds it— and holds the boy’s hand a little tighter. ]
I just mean . . . You’re alive in Trench, not some ghost I can’t touch. And I’m as good as dead back home anyway.
[ that might’ve been— extremely pessimistic, but what else was there to look forward to? being hopeful? he’d be alone in the world for thirteen more years and die alone anyway, that if he wasn’t overwhelmed and eaten alive. ]
I think we both deserve a second chance to live. It’s always going to have . . . Trench is always going to have a special type of Hell.
But I can endure it if I’m here with you. No matter how many times I die.
I'm... I don't mean to be so depressing all the time, it's just...
... I don't want you to die. I don't want to die, either. It's just... hard to remember it sometimes. If I don't say it, I mean. And... I died for a reason. I don't want to let that be...
It feels cheap, that I got out of paying my price. If that makes any sense? I don't... I want to be here, I want to be with you. It just feels like there are so many other people who deserved a second chance and didn't get one.
... I love you, Falco. I... I know I can be frustrating. I just...
I guess I keep waiting for something to rip everything away. I don't want that... but it feels like I deserve that. That I don't deserve you.
[ if falco’s jaw was lax, it’d fall. all of that— . . . all of that sends a shock through him. it both makes his stomach feel like a flipping fire pit and his heart ache with compassion.
falco scoops jun around him the best he could. he holds him tight in a mess of blankets. feeling all of that, it doesn’t come from nowhere. it’s valid for what he’s been through. even falco feels he’s undeserving of many things for what he’s done. but . . . ]
You’re not frustrating. You’re loved.
[ a hand . . . going through his hair? sounds right. it’s soft.
it gives him a different angle, jun putting it that way. he understands now, and in his chest he feels absolutely soft. ]
[He makes a small sound of surprise as he's being scooped up. His first instinct is to pull away, but it's Falco. It's fine. He sighs and relents, letting his body relax into the other.]
I... I don't know. I just... I'm scared. Everything I knew... everything I thought I knew about the world got flipped on its head. Magic and other worlds and death and love and... it's all a lot. I've been here a long while but it's...
... I know you have your own problems. I don't want to put all of mine on you, that's not fair. And you just got back. I'm sure you're dealing with your own personal nightmares.
[But the hand on his head is soft, and the blankets are soft, and Falco...]
[ falco, even while holding the other boy, gives him a little shrug. he has his own problems, sure, but. ]
That doesn’t mean I can’t help. [ there’s something that always rings for falco. three words that mean everything when dealing with heavy weights. ] We just— have to keep moving forward.
[ what happened already happened. now, what matters is now for their future here. ]
It doesn’t matter how much time you need. I’ll still be here every step of the way.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2023-03-23 02:26 am (UTC)If there’s a way . . . I want it to be here.
[ he almost says: I want to stay here, but it doesn’t come up yet. he doesn’t have the courage to say it out loud again, and . . . it makes him feel like a tremendous coward. he’s letting everyone down, even when there’s nothing else he could do back home. there was nothing left but loneliness, even if they did win.
there was no reason why they should keep fighting (but they still did). yet, his cheeks go green under his sleeves when he decides to speak again and says this: ]
I want . . . To stay here with you. For a really long time.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-23 07:53 pm (UTC)[He strokes Falco's back, trying to calm him. He can feel that the other's emotions are mixed and complicated, but he has to try.]
I want you to stay too. If... if you'd be happy. I want you to be happy, more than anything.
[He reaches over and puts his hand on Falco's cheek, gently tugging his head up so he can look the other in the eyes.]
We'll figure something out. I know we will. I can... ask... if you're okay with that. But just... I want you to be happy. You don't deserve to have something like this hanging over your head.
[He leans in and kisses Falco's forehead gently before pressing his own against his forehead.]
We'll find a way. Together.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-24 11:57 am (UTC)it’s . . . so hard to see a light somewhere, on one hand. marley has been studying it for hundreds of years, and they’ve found nothing to stunt the process. if it has to do with technology, something they surely didn’t have at the same level, then— we’ll find a way, together.
so many people extending themselves for him, that it was even harder to leave the twinkle of hope in the dark. if everyone was trying? it was unfair to accept. he had to try, too. (and isn’t that what his older self had wanted?)
these growing arms of his pull jun into a tight hug, where his chin could rest on his shoulder. ]
. . . My other self— did he say anything?
no subject
Date: 2023-03-25 08:44 pm (UTC)Not... really. I don't think he had much more of a clue. It... was a little hard, seeing him all grown up, to be honest.
[He... should explain.]
I don't know how much I'll grow here. If I even can. You... I know things look hopeless at home now, but maybe there's a solution...
[Falco might be able to return home. He can't. He has no other place to go, and seeing Falco grown up just reminded him of that on a visceral level.]
But that's not your fault. I know you're going to apologize for it, but don't. We'll find a solution for you, though. I know we will. I... I'll dig it up myself if I have to. You deserve to live for a long, long time.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-28 12:56 pm (UTC)But you do, too. [ jun has reinforced the idea that he deserves to live a long life, but he’s not the only one. they were both put into dark places and forced to fight. that didn’t make one or the other less deserving. but also— ] . . . Why wouldn’t you grow?
no subject
Date: 2023-03-29 01:58 am (UTC)[Sure, his hair's grown, but his height hasn't changed that much.]
I don't know... I guess I figured I'd hit a growth spurt by now if I was going to get one...
no subject
Date: 2023-03-30 03:45 am (UTC)[ he says that faster than anything else, with his brows drawn seriously and his hand on top of jun’s. he raises it to his chest, where his heart beats and sends blood to the rest of his body.
he wouldn’t stand to hear it. ]
Not here.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-30 02:32 pm (UTC)[But he's not going to argue with Falco. Not now. He just sighs, doing his best to hide his discomfort.]
Well I'd like to complain to my genetics then. I should be taller now.
no subject
Date: 2023-04-01 01:18 pm (UTC)Maybe I’ll be taller than you . . . [ that’s half a joke, but a little too serious to bring out the play in it at full. he doesn’t feel it. ] Jun . . . I know you’re dead back home. It’s not like I don’t believe you.
[ he pulls the air in through his nose, holds it— and holds the boy’s hand a little tighter. ]
I just mean . . . You’re alive in Trench, not some ghost I can’t touch. And I’m as good as dead back home anyway.
[ that might’ve been— extremely pessimistic, but what else was there to look forward to? being hopeful? he’d be alone in the world for thirteen more years and die alone anyway, that if he wasn’t overwhelmed and eaten alive. ]
I think we both deserve a second chance to live. It’s always going to have . . . Trench is always going to have a special type of Hell.
But I can endure it if I’m here with you. No matter how many times I die.
no subject
Date: 2023-04-03 07:24 pm (UTC)[He sighs and nuzzles into Falco a bit.]
I'm... I don't mean to be so depressing all the time, it's just...
... I don't want you to die. I don't want to die, either. It's just... hard to remember it sometimes. If I don't say it, I mean. And... I died for a reason. I don't want to let that be...
It feels cheap, that I got out of paying my price. If that makes any sense? I don't... I want to be here, I want to be with you. It just feels like there are so many other people who deserved a second chance and didn't get one.
... I love you, Falco. I... I know I can be frustrating. I just...
I guess I keep waiting for something to rip everything away. I don't want that... but it feels like I deserve that. That I don't deserve you.
no subject
Date: 2023-04-06 07:42 pm (UTC)falco scoops jun around him the best he could. he holds him tight in a mess of blankets. feeling all of that, it doesn’t come from nowhere. it’s valid for what he’s been through. even falco feels he’s undeserving of many things for what he’s done. but . . . ]
You’re not frustrating. You’re loved.
[ a hand . . . going through his hair? sounds right. it’s soft.
it gives him a different angle, jun putting it that way. he understands now, and in his chest he feels absolutely soft. ]
Do you want to talk about it more?
no subject
Date: 2023-04-06 08:04 pm (UTC)I... I don't know. I just... I'm scared. Everything I knew... everything I thought I knew about the world got flipped on its head. Magic and other worlds and death and love and... it's all a lot. I've been here a long while but it's...
... I know you have your own problems. I don't want to put all of mine on you, that's not fair. And you just got back. I'm sure you're dealing with your own personal nightmares.
[But the hand on his head is soft, and the blankets are soft, and Falco...]
I just want you to be safe.
no subject
Date: 2023-04-10 11:36 am (UTC)That doesn’t mean I can’t help. [ there’s something that always rings for falco. three words that mean everything when dealing with heavy weights. ] We just— have to keep moving forward.
[ what happened already happened. now, what matters is now for their future here. ]
It doesn’t matter how much time you need. I’ll still be here every step of the way.