I'd rather read a book than interact with most people most of the time...
[His shoulders slump a little bit.]
I mean some of my friends were jerks at times, but we're barely teenage boys. Or... were.
[They're not getting any older, at least.]
It's more that... I was cruel. Especially to my younger sister. I...
[He closes his eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath before letting it out slowly.]
I blamed her for 'our mother's' death. I'd take out my anger on her - hitting her, yelling at her, the works. But later I found out that she specifically asked my friends not to stop me... and then I found out that we actually weren't related at all - her parents, the ones I'd known, weren't even my biological parents.
I... never got the chance to apologize like I should have. And I'll never make up for the way I treated her. I know that. But... at least in her memory I can try to stop other people from being jerks.
[the sister, and now far more of the story that mob listens quietly to. that explains a lot more about how he spoke of her before, and about jun, he thinks.
after a beat he says,] I'm sorry you didn't get a chance to apologize, that must feel terrible. I do think apologies aren't really the important thing, but the changing. And you changed. You're trying to be better, and you do it for her and for other people. I admire that, Jun.
And um, it was really bad, but you were young and mourning your mom, right? Master Reigen says being a kid is the time to make bad mistakes and grow, though I think that happens all the time even when you're older.
It's changing that's admirable. It's really hard to do. [he takes a moment with that, before nodding to himself.] I've seen a lot of people who would keep thinking they're right for a long time, just to avoid feeling bad about it. You didn't. I guess that's what I mean.
[and boy, that's heavy but he kind of gets it. not in this scale, but he nods again, eyes sinking down.]
It does. Um. I was lucky. Really lucky. Once people wanted to hurt me and my brother, and our friend. They weren't going to let us leave, they wanted to kill us. For a little bit I thought I'd have to to fight them to save us. That I'd have to not care about if they lived or died, if I wanted us to live.
But my master stopped me. He took care of things, but before he did he told me not to do it because it'd hurt me. That fighting people like that, having to hurt them like that, would really hurt me and I shouldn't have to do that or hurt like that.
[a beat and he looks over.] It's that kind of hurt, isn't it? What you feel. Or how it made you feel.
... I thought I was right for a long time. I wish the events that made me change hadn't happened, but in some ways it's a good thing they did, as horrible as that is to say.
[He listens, nodding a little bit. He sounds like a pretty good guy...]
He was right. Fighting people like that would have hurt you a lot. Because... you're a nice person. And having to do those sorts of things... it can break people.
[a nod. boy does he relate to terrible shit but valuable lessons from it. sometimes that's just how it was.] It's better when something good can come out of that sort of thing, as bad as it was. Rather than just making everything worse.
[and he still thinks learning like that is impressive of jun. he's a kid who puts a lot of value in people who learn to change, so jun shoots up in his regard, really.]
Yeah... I don't know if I could have handled it. [he admits quietly.] I'm sorry you had to, Jun. It wasn't fair.
... No, it wasn't. Maybe it shouldn't have been us, but it was. Maybe it shouldn't have been our world, but it was. And there's nothing I can do about that.
I just... I have to live for everyone that I've lost. Even if they didn't like me... I'm sure they'd be at least somewhat glad that one of us is alive somewhere, somehow.
I hope so. I'm glad you're alive here, and I'm pretty sure most of the dojo would say the same. Sensei definitely would. [and robby, he's pretty sure, and falco of course, but that's probably a hard subject right now.]
If she ever comes on the shore I'd like to meet her, your little sister. [he will definitely look out for her, of course. at least his powers would be good for something if he could do that.]
[He sighs and looks out of the window. He can't... decide if he wants her here or not. He doesn't want her to be subject to all of this nonsense... but he sort of wants to see her.]
I'll introduce you to her if she ever shows up. I don't... want her to get hurt, though.
I hope so. Miss Makima and sensei Larusso already are looking out for him, and Ritsu is really capable.
[but ritsu is his little brother, so.
frankly he's grateful for jun being so honest about it, even if some of it is pretty grim. and he's right. he gets a little nod.] Have you ever been really corrupted, Jun? Or turned to a beast?
... I haven't. It's... I've been lucky. Manabu tends to whip out the curing mushrooms if he even suspects corruption. And we've had plenty canned - there was a big harvest in the fall. I'm not sure what would happen if I did get corrupted... somehow I think my beast form wouldn't be very threatening.
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branchandroot
cw: child abuse/bullying
Date: 2023-03-04 05:21 am (UTC)[His shoulders slump a little bit.]
I mean some of my friends were jerks at times, but we're barely teenage boys. Or... were.
[They're not getting any older, at least.]
It's more that... I was cruel. Especially to my younger sister. I...
[He closes his eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath before letting it out slowly.]
I blamed her for 'our mother's' death. I'd take out my anger on her - hitting her, yelling at her, the works. But later I found out that she specifically asked my friends not to stop me... and then I found out that we actually weren't related at all - her parents, the ones I'd known, weren't even my biological parents.
I... never got the chance to apologize like I should have. And I'll never make up for the way I treated her. I know that. But... at least in her memory I can try to stop other people from being jerks.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-06 10:09 am (UTC)after a beat he says,] I'm sorry you didn't get a chance to apologize, that must feel terrible. I do think apologies aren't really the important thing, but the changing. And you changed. You're trying to be better, and you do it for her and for other people. I admire that, Jun.
And um, it was really bad, but you were young and mourning your mom, right? Master Reigen says being a kid is the time to make bad mistakes and grow, though I think that happens all the time even when you're older.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-06 08:14 pm (UTC)I'm just - I made mistakes, but I made really bad ones. I don't think I...
[He pauses and sighs. How to even explain his feelings? He's no good at this part.]
Maybe to some people I'm a hero because I saved the world. But I still hurt my sister. I still hurt a lot of people to save a lot of people.
I don't think that makes me a very good person. Doing the difficult things even if it means doing something 'bad' isn't... I -
... A soldier might follow orders. He might kill someone because he has to protect people. But that doesn't mean that someone wasn't killed.
Does that make sense?
[The blood is still on his hands. Her bruises are on his hands. The scars are still there.]
no subject
Date: 2023-03-07 04:13 am (UTC)[and boy, that's heavy but he kind of gets it. not in this scale, but he nods again, eyes sinking down.]
It does. Um. I was lucky. Really lucky. Once people wanted to hurt me and my brother, and our friend. They weren't going to let us leave, they wanted to kill us. For a little bit I thought I'd have to to fight them to save us. That I'd have to not care about if they lived or died, if I wanted us to live.
But my master stopped me. He took care of things, but before he did he told me not to do it because it'd hurt me. That fighting people like that, having to hurt them like that, would really hurt me and I shouldn't have to do that or hurt like that.
[a beat and he looks over.] It's that kind of hurt, isn't it? What you feel. Or how it made you feel.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-07 09:24 pm (UTC)[He listens, nodding a little bit. He sounds like a pretty good guy...]
He was right. Fighting people like that would have hurt you a lot. Because... you're a nice person. And having to do those sorts of things... it can break people.
[He knows. He saw it happen.]
no subject
Date: 2023-03-08 04:10 am (UTC)[and he still thinks learning like that is impressive of jun. he's a kid who puts a lot of value in people who learn to change, so jun shoots up in his regard, really.]
Yeah... I don't know if I could have handled it. [he admits quietly.] I'm sorry you had to, Jun. It wasn't fair.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-09 04:16 am (UTC)I just... I have to live for everyone that I've lost. Even if they didn't like me... I'm sure they'd be at least somewhat glad that one of us is alive somewhere, somehow.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-10 08:32 pm (UTC)If she ever comes on the shore I'd like to meet her, your little sister. [he will definitely look out for her, of course. at least his powers would be good for something if he could do that.]
no subject
Date: 2023-03-10 11:51 pm (UTC)[He sighs and looks out of the window. He can't... decide if he wants her here or not. He doesn't want her to be subject to all of this nonsense... but he sort of wants to see her.]
I'll introduce you to her if she ever shows up. I don't... want her to get hurt, though.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-11 07:37 am (UTC)[stressful. a little scary. he glances over.] A lot of people would try to protect her though. I would.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-12 03:02 am (UTC)[Hm... he looks over at Mob again.]
It's stressful, this place. I'm not going to lie to you. It can break people. But it's... it's a good place, too.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-13 05:07 pm (UTC)[but ritsu is his little brother, so.
frankly he's grateful for jun being so honest about it, even if some of it is pretty grim. and he's right. he gets a little nod.] Have you ever been really corrupted, Jun? Or turned to a beast?
no subject
Date: 2023-03-13 11:30 pm (UTC)[To be fair, imagination is not his strong suit.]
no subject
Date: 2023-04-01 06:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-04-03 06:13 pm (UTC)