[jun's words hit him, actually manage to break through a little beyond the careful apathy. for that he'll get a short but completely honest reply. probably the most honest he's been since he woke up again.]
[sorry he used the f word, but hey, this means more to him than jun can know. his greatest fear is someone seeing him at this worst and turning their backs, leaving him alone. jun wants to defend him, of all things.]
no one's been angry yet no sleepers some people who live here, but that's fair. i'm trying to stay out of their way i don't want to upset them
[Maybe now he is. He can't help but feel like he's fooling everyone.]
The locals do have a point - we're dangerous. I'm not going to deny that. I mean, even I've... thrown trash cans around without meaning to when I'm upset.
(I don't know how to control it, I wish I did.)
But that doesn't mean that we're not people. People who make mistakes. And if they can't see that you're trying your best, maybe it's best not to listen to them.
[this is new, that sounds a lot like psychic power really. getting upset and things go flying, people get hurt. he wishes jun didn't have to know how that felt, but a small part of him feels seen better.
which he feels guilty for. jun deserved better. especially saying all that, which takes mob a while to answer. you're a human just like everyone else. that's what master said. he's more than his powers.]
can i come over? i don't know if falco is mad though i'd just like to see you
but after a while he makes his way to jun's house. he'd bring something but he's been kind of spacy, unsure what to bring. just himself for now, face blanker than it's ever been but this is the first time he's left the house since everything happened.
he just... needs to see jun alive. seeing him hurt will be painful, but jun is his friend. jun's a really good friend too.
so he'll knock on the door, shifting on his feet. realize suddenly maybe jun can't get up, shouldn't get up, so he texts that he's here.]
[The thing about omens is that they're not really animals, no matter how they might look. When Jun gets the text he tries to get up, only to get a rare glare from his omen. The golden retriever trots down the hall and jumps, nudging the lock open and barking at Mob happily.]
I think he got the door.
[When Mob enters he'll find a mostly-fixed house. Some of the repairs have been on hold since Manabu's been in the goo pod. But Jun's omen trots back towards Jun's room at the end of the hall. There's four other doors, but they're closed.]
Mob?
[He looks... okay, for the most part. Most of the bruising is on the back of his head. He has some water on the side table next to him and a bunch of books on the desk. Another book is on his lap, which he puts to the side as his friend enters the room.]
[ah, another dog omen. it would have made mob smile in a better time, it's kind of funny how miyagi-do has a lot of those. he's never actually seen peter's omen though, and sunny has a cat, but still. his own omen hasn't shown up much since everything, and mob doesn't spend a lot of time thinking about that.]
Thank you. [he'll tell the good boy softly before following him.
he's a bit braced to see jun, more so his injuries. it still stings through his careful apathy, to see the bruising he did. he can still remember the debris flying through the air and striking him- no, best not to think of that. at the very least he forces himself to accept this is a reality he has to face. here is jun, being so kind to him and hurt, but still welcoming him.]
Hi. [his tone is soft, a little flatter than it usually is. he's more expressionless than he usually is too, though that first look at jun's condition did shudder through his placid expression. he steps forward after a beat, if there's a chair to bring to the bedside he'll sit on it.] Thank you for letting me come. I- I'm sorry.
[He sits up more fully as Mob moves the desk chair over to his bed. It's not the biggest of rooms, so it's not a far journey.]
... Of course I'd let you come. You're my friend.
[There's not a lot of heat to his voice, and he reaches out to put a hand on Mob's shoulder even though it's a stretch. Even if it makes him a little dizzy... he squeezes the other boy's shoulder gently before letting go and sinking back into the pillows.]
This doesn't change anything. You're still a good person. ... Even if all of this is scary.
[He settles his hands in his lap, considering the other for a few long moments.]
It... helps that it... wasn't the worst thing I've heard of or seen happen to someone. But... the other pilots...
... It's not my story to tell.
But you haven't run away. You're still here. That means something.
[the 'you're my friend' almost gets a smile, a definite softening of mob's expression. so does the hand on his shoulder, it's- he has a lot of complicated feelings, to be sure. a lot he's trying to ignore and a lot he's not sure he could untangle easily anyway.]
I- I'm lucky. I know it could have been worst. Only... only Yoichi died, as a beast.
[as far as he knows at least. he was so sure daniel could be but-] Have you heard from sensei...? [is he still allowed to call daniel that?]
It could have been, but it wasn't. We can be grateful for that much, at least.
[He doesn't know Yoichi, so it doesn't hit him as hard... probably a Sleeper? So they'll probably be fine.]
... Yeah, I heard from him. He's being forced to rest even more than me. But he'll be fine.
[That said, he looks up at Mob again, watching his face.]
You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. It's... your choice. And... um. Keep in mind that this sort of thing doesn't exist in my world other than in fiction, so you might have to break it down a bit for me.
[a little nod- for both things being worse and daniel. it's good to know he's being looked after.] I worry sensei thinks about others more than himself too much.
[a little blunt but that's mob, even like this. daniel is always taking care of them, making a lesson of his own painful moments. that must be hard for him. it must be tiring sometimes.
but the story he owes, or the explanation. jun's already talked about hard things before, admitted a lot that mob thinks he was brave for doing so. it's not easy to talk about things. he'll try.]
When I left practice I sensed something weird. A beast, but it was familiar. It... I guess I got distracted by that. It felt like Yoichi- he's a sleeper too. He's really nice, and smart. I think he's been trying to look more into beasthood and something happened. He turned.
He attacked me. [it hurt a lot, he's never felt pain like that and he's been stabbed and hit with bricks and thrown into buildings. beasts really were scary.] I think he killed me? I'm not sure. I was- I should have stopped him but I was surprised, I guess. It was Yoichi, even if it was a beast.
[he didn't want to hurt him]
Then I don't remember much. This... happened before. Once someone um, someone choked me until I passed out, and when I woke up a school was destroyed. Or someone grabbed Ritsu when we were little and I got pushed into a wall and hit my head, and when I woke up...
[a long beat, and since it's jun who knows about hurting a sibling, he quietly admits,] People were hurt. Ritsu was hurt.
It happened another time too I think, but usually it's not like this. And this time was even stranger. When- when sensei got hurt I woke up, but I couldn't control myself at all. That's never happened before. I always woke up when everything was over.
[But Jun is also blunt, so he'll respond in kind.]
... Beasthood is dangerous to look into, I know that much. And... if you were dead you'd be back in the ocean. He might have done a lot of damage... but if someone you know is like that, it's... probably kindest and fastest to just kill them. It's... awful, but... mm.
I know the Sanctuary is looking into curing people, but it's probably not that easy to get people over there when they're beasts. I guess it's an option, but...
[He knows that he'd rather die than hurt someone he cares about, and in that situation death would likely be kinder. But he can't fault them for trying, at least.]
... So you reach an emotional breaking point of some kind and then... that happens? No wonder you're so hesitant to show emotion. But at least waking up shows some kind of improvement - if you could get control during those moments it'd be helpful. ... I know that's hard, though.
Sometimes when I'm really angry I'll lash out without thinking. It's not the same, but...
[The concept is similar, if magnified by a thousand or so times.]
Maybe... if you could let your emotions out in smaller quantities over a longer period of time it would work better? I... you've probably already thought of that, though.
a beat and he glances down. he hopes it was kind. he'll find yoichi and apologize regardless, just... killing is so much. it's so much. he thinks jun is stronger than anyone could possibly realize for living with what he has.
and then a little nod.] I guess that's it. My powers are my emotions, in a way. They're connected so... it's important not to get too emotional.
[having him say that waking up during it was an improvement makes him glance up.] You think so? I couldn't really do anything but... maybe. [that gives him a little bit of hope. maybe jun's right? maybe his control during those times could get stronger, this wasn't backtracking.]
Robby um... wanted me to do that. [very quiet again for a moment.] I got into a fight with Ritsu before all this, and Robby thought I should let it out, how I felt. I thought it helped but... then this happened anyway.
... What happens if you have good emotions with them, then?
[But he nods at the question, offering the hint of a smile.]
I'm trying to get better at that myself. It's... a slow process, from what I've been told.
[A beat, and he takes the other teen's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.]
Sometimes... things happen. And they're bad, and all you can do is clean up after it. But... that doesn't mean it'll always be bad, you know? ... It might seem like you'll never get better, but... you will.
[that gives him pause, a moment to consider.] I guess it depends? When I was really grateful to Robby I made a bunch of plants grow and his hair too... I guess it isn't usually as bad if it's a positive emotion, but it's still kind of a mess.
[it's abnormal.
but jun has that hint of a smile, and mob thinks he's never seen jun smile before. which isn't right, jun is a really good friend, ritsu's age too. he even takes mob's hand and mob can't help but squeeze back, throat feeling a little tight. (89%)]
... I'm really- really glad we met, Jun. [very softly, a bit shaky in tone, certainly more emotion than he's shown in a while.] You're really brave. I always knew, since you were trying to change, but now- I think I understand a little better. How hard it must be.
[living with guilt like this. he's had a lot of guilt since that first time with ritsu but this compounds it in a way that seems impossible to see past.
but jun believes in him, and thinks things can get better. has been through so much, and thinks that. and that means something.]
[Positive is positive, negative is negative. He can follow that. He's curious about it but doesn't want to push further. Maybe another day, but not now. He huffs in amusement.]
The thing about being brave is you don't usually feel brave. It feels like pretending, so the people around you don't get worried. But... that doesn't change the fact that you are being brave.
[He hesitates before going on, trying to think of something.]
... There's a thing called 'imposter syndrome', where you feel like you're not worthy of being around people because you think that they're smarter than you or kinder than you or somehow more worthy than you. And a lot of times more than one person in that group has it, which means that they think you're smarter or more kind or whatever. And knowing what it is - your brain tricking you about things - doesn't make it go away, but sometimes it makes it easier.
If I'm brave, so are you. You didn't run away. You didn't hide.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2023-03-20 11:32 am (UTC)You're not a bad person, you know. You just have problems that most other people don't have.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-20 10:28 pm (UTC)they're problems that hurt other people. that isn't normal
i don't know how to change this
or if i can change
no subject
Date: 2023-03-20 10:56 pm (UTC)I didn't say it was normal.
But you want to change.
So you can.
If I can change, so can you.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-22 04:33 am (UTC)i'm scared
no subject
Date: 2023-03-22 03:39 pm (UTC).. You've got people here to support you. There's not going to be someone who yells at you for getting it wrong.
If there is let me know because I'll yell at them for you.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-23 09:14 pm (UTC)[sorry he used the f word, but hey, this means more to him than jun can know. his greatest fear is someone seeing him at this worst and turning their backs, leaving him alone. jun wants to defend him, of all things.]
no one's been angry yet
no sleepers
some people who live here, but that's fair. i'm trying to stay out of their way
i don't want to upset them
no subject
Date: 2023-03-23 10:39 pm (UTC)The locals do have a point - we're dangerous. I'm not going to deny that. I mean, even I've... thrown trash cans around without meaning to when I'm upset.
(I don't know how to control it, I wish I did.)
But that doesn't mean that we're not people. People who make mistakes. And if they can't see that you're trying your best, maybe it's best not to listen to them.
You're more than just your powers, you know.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-29 06:51 am (UTC)[this is new, that sounds a lot like psychic power really. getting upset and things go flying, people get hurt. he wishes jun didn't have to know how that felt, but a small part of him feels seen better.
which he feels guilty for. jun deserved better. especially saying all that, which takes mob a while to answer. you're a human just like everyone else. that's what master said. he's more than his powers.]
can i come over?
i don't know if falco is mad though
i'd just like to see you
no subject
Date: 2023-03-29 02:27 pm (UTC)[He doesn't push in that silence, just letting Mob have it. He doesn't want to be an asshole.]
I told him not to be mad at you. It's not your fault.
... Sure. I look like shit but that's not your fault either.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-31 12:25 am (UTC)[mob is certainly mad at himself about that.
but after a while he makes his way to jun's house. he'd bring something but he's been kind of spacy, unsure what to bring. just himself for now, face blanker than it's ever been but this is the first time he's left the house since everything happened.
he just... needs to see jun alive. seeing him hurt will be painful, but jun is his friend. jun's a really good friend too.
so he'll knock on the door, shifting on his feet. realize suddenly maybe jun can't get up, shouldn't get up, so he texts that he's here.]
no subject
Date: 2023-03-31 06:53 pm (UTC)I think he got the door.
[When Mob enters he'll find a mostly-fixed house. Some of the repairs have been on hold since Manabu's been in the goo pod. But Jun's omen trots back towards Jun's room at the end of the hall. There's four other doors, but they're closed.]
Mob?
[He looks... okay, for the most part. Most of the bruising is on the back of his head. He has some water on the side table next to him and a bunch of books on the desk. Another book is on his lap, which he puts to the side as his friend enters the room.]
Hey.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-31 08:54 pm (UTC)Thank you. [he'll tell the good boy softly before following him.
he's a bit braced to see jun, more so his injuries. it still stings through his careful apathy, to see the bruising he did. he can still remember the debris flying through the air and striking him- no, best not to think of that. at the very least he forces himself to accept this is a reality he has to face. here is jun, being so kind to him and hurt, but still welcoming him.]
Hi. [his tone is soft, a little flatter than it usually is. he's more expressionless than he usually is too, though that first look at jun's condition did shudder through his placid expression. he steps forward after a beat, if there's a chair to bring to the bedside he'll sit on it.] Thank you for letting me come. I- I'm sorry.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-31 10:53 pm (UTC)... Of course I'd let you come. You're my friend.
[There's not a lot of heat to his voice, and he reaches out to put a hand on Mob's shoulder even though it's a stretch. Even if it makes him a little dizzy... he squeezes the other boy's shoulder gently before letting go and sinking back into the pillows.]
This doesn't change anything. You're still a good person. ... Even if all of this is scary.
[He settles his hands in his lap, considering the other for a few long moments.]
It... helps that it... wasn't the worst thing I've heard of or seen happen to someone. But... the other pilots...
... It's not my story to tell.
But you haven't run away. You're still here. That means something.
no subject
Date: 2023-04-01 01:50 am (UTC)I- I'm lucky. I know it could have been worst. Only... only Yoichi died, as a beast.
[as far as he knows at least. he was so sure daniel could be but-] Have you heard from sensei...? [is he still allowed to call daniel that?]
no subject
Date: 2023-04-01 02:18 am (UTC)[He doesn't know Yoichi, so it doesn't hit him as hard... probably a Sleeper? So they'll probably be fine.]
... Yeah, I heard from him. He's being forced to rest even more than me. But he'll be fine.
[That said, he looks up at Mob again, watching his face.]
You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. It's... your choice. And... um. Keep in mind that this sort of thing doesn't exist in my world other than in fiction, so you might have to break it down a bit for me.
If you want to, I mean.
no subject
Date: 2023-04-01 06:29 am (UTC)[a little blunt but that's mob, even like this. daniel is always taking care of them, making a lesson of his own painful moments. that must be hard for him. it must be tiring sometimes.
but the story he owes, or the explanation. jun's already talked about hard things before, admitted a lot that mob thinks he was brave for doing so. it's not easy to talk about things. he'll try.]
When I left practice I sensed something weird. A beast, but it was familiar. It... I guess I got distracted by that. It felt like Yoichi- he's a sleeper too. He's really nice, and smart. I think he's been trying to look more into beasthood and something happened. He turned.
He attacked me. [it hurt a lot, he's never felt pain like that and he's been stabbed and hit with bricks and thrown into buildings. beasts really were scary.] I think he killed me? I'm not sure. I was- I should have stopped him but I was surprised, I guess. It was Yoichi, even if it was a beast.
[he didn't want to hurt him]
Then I don't remember much. This... happened before. Once someone um, someone choked me until I passed out, and when I woke up a school was destroyed. Or someone grabbed Ritsu when we were little and I got pushed into a wall and hit my head, and when I woke up...
[a long beat, and since it's jun who knows about hurting a sibling, he quietly admits,] People were hurt. Ritsu was hurt.
It happened another time too I think, but usually it's not like this. And this time was even stranger. When- when sensei got hurt I woke up, but I couldn't control myself at all. That's never happened before. I always woke up when everything was over.
no subject
Date: 2023-04-03 07:07 pm (UTC)[But Jun is also blunt, so he'll respond in kind.]
... Beasthood is dangerous to look into, I know that much. And... if you were dead you'd be back in the ocean. He might have done a lot of damage... but if someone you know is like that, it's... probably kindest and fastest to just kill them. It's... awful, but... mm.
I know the Sanctuary is looking into curing people, but it's probably not that easy to get people over there when they're beasts. I guess it's an option, but...
[He knows that he'd rather die than hurt someone he cares about, and in that situation death would likely be kinder. But he can't fault them for trying, at least.]
... So you reach an emotional breaking point of some kind and then... that happens? No wonder you're so hesitant to show emotion. But at least waking up shows some kind of improvement - if you could get control during those moments it'd be helpful. ... I know that's hard, though.
Sometimes when I'm really angry I'll lash out without thinking. It's not the same, but...
[The concept is similar, if magnified by a thousand or so times.]
Maybe... if you could let your emotions out in smaller quantities over a longer period of time it would work better? I... you've probably already thought of that, though.
no subject
Date: 2023-04-06 10:51 pm (UTC)a beat and he glances down. he hopes it was kind. he'll find yoichi and apologize regardless, just... killing is so much. it's so much. he thinks jun is stronger than anyone could possibly realize for living with what he has.
and then a little nod.] I guess that's it. My powers are my emotions, in a way. They're connected so... it's important not to get too emotional.
[having him say that waking up during it was an improvement makes him glance up.] You think so? I couldn't really do anything but... maybe. [that gives him a little bit of hope. maybe jun's right? maybe his control during those times could get stronger, this wasn't backtracking.]
Robby um... wanted me to do that. [very quiet again for a moment.] I got into a fight with Ritsu before all this, and Robby thought I should let it out, how I felt. I thought it helped but... then this happened anyway.
no subject
Date: 2023-04-07 01:28 am (UTC)[But he nods at the question, offering the hint of a smile.]
I'm trying to get better at that myself. It's... a slow process, from what I've been told.
[A beat, and he takes the other teen's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.]
Sometimes... things happen. And they're bad, and all you can do is clean up after it. But... that doesn't mean it'll always be bad, you know? ... It might seem like you'll never get better, but... you will.
I... I believe in you.
no subject
Date: 2023-04-11 05:52 am (UTC)[it's abnormal.
but jun has that hint of a smile, and mob thinks he's never seen jun smile before. which isn't right, jun is a really good friend, ritsu's age too. he even takes mob's hand and mob can't help but squeeze back, throat feeling a little tight. (89%)]
... I'm really- really glad we met, Jun. [very softly, a bit shaky in tone, certainly more emotion than he's shown in a while.] You're really brave. I always knew, since you were trying to change, but now- I think I understand a little better. How hard it must be.
[living with guilt like this. he's had a lot of guilt since that first time with ritsu but this compounds it in a way that seems impossible to see past.
but jun believes in him, and thinks things can get better. has been through so much, and thinks that. and that means something.]
no subject
Date: 2023-04-12 05:02 pm (UTC)[Positive is positive, negative is negative. He can follow that. He's curious about it but doesn't want to push further. Maybe another day, but not now. He huffs in amusement.]
The thing about being brave is you don't usually feel brave. It feels like pretending, so the people around you don't get worried. But... that doesn't change the fact that you are being brave.
[He hesitates before going on, trying to think of something.]
... There's a thing called 'imposter syndrome', where you feel like you're not worthy of being around people because you think that they're smarter than you or kinder than you or somehow more worthy than you. And a lot of times more than one person in that group has it, which means that they think you're smarter or more kind or whatever. And knowing what it is - your brain tricking you about things - doesn't make it go away, but sometimes it makes it easier.
If I'm brave, so are you. You didn't run away. You didn't hide.