... Yeah, it is. I wasn't living anywhere good before this. I tried a few places... they were all dusty and dirty. He gave me a job, he gave me a place to stay - he gave up his own room for me.
[It's... a lot. He hesitates, and then puts a hand on the couch between them. It's... he doesn't want to intrude on her personal space, and he doesn't want his intruded on, but it's something. It's reaching out, in a way.]
... I wanted to protect the world, if it had people like Kana in it. People who were so young, but willing to give it up to help people. I know, I know... 'you're young, too'. But she was younger than us... probably braver than all of us put together.
[It hurts, talking about Kana. But he's never going to get better if he doesn't pick at those scabs a little.]
It took me some work to become myself again. I remember having trouble keeping my shape when I first washed up here. ... It's like I didn't want to be alive again. Sometimes I don't. I know it was this place pushing me, but... I tried to kill myself shortly after I got here. I couldn't bear it.
[But now can he? He's not sure. But he doesn't have a choice.]
I'm... I'm not strong. I don't feel strong, anyway. But I have to keep going.
[vi often thinks about where she might have ended up if alayne (rip akayne stone you were a real one) hadn't returned, or if they'd never met at all. the imagined result changes depending on the day, but it's always some level of self imposed isolation. several more layers of 'i'm fine'. sometimes it's prufrock, sometimes it's the docks in dracmouth.
that's a lot for someone to give, even if they're too good. she watches him wrestle with this, lets her eyes drift to her own lap, to the omen, and when his hand touches the couch she doesn't move to cover it with her own the way she might with some people, but she does lean in to very tenderly stroke the dog's nose. the omens are a part of them, right?
mostly, she just listens. he'd been right about the 'you're young, too' - she might have interjected if not for that. his pain is palpable without any trench-given abilities, without magic or super senses or what have you - it's writ all over him in words, in the way his face moves and doesn't. she's again reminded of jinx's first arrival - how she'd struggled to keep her form due to things vi can only guess at, can only summarize into 'overwhelm' of many kinds.]
That? The decision to keep going? That's one way of being strong.
[she doesn't want to make this about her - it isn't. so she only offers the core of it without details.]
I've felt that way, too.
[she didn't do anything about it - no hardline attempt - but she'd thrown herself into countless dicey fights in prison - with both guards and inmates - was it in anyone's best interest to even keep her alive? not likely. what had that said about her care (or lack of) about her own life.]
I'm sorry about Kana.
[she just leaves the opening - because it might be too painful to ask anything else, and he doesn't need to be pushed. she doesn't want to do that, but she doesn't want to shut him down either. she's made that mistake before.]
[His omen whines softly at her, ears drooping as he reflects his Sleeper's emotions. He nuzzles into her hand again, almost desperate for more attention.]
[Jun pulls his hand away - maybe it was too much to hope for. But he listens, wrestling with the idea of being strong. Is he? Maybe from some perspectives. He doesn't feel like he is... but maybe that's normal. Maybe people who are strong never do feel that way.]
[It's not like he can ask people.]
I... I'm sorry. I'm... glad you made it, though. I'm glad you're here.
[What to say about Kana? He treated her horribly, only started caring about her when it was too late... he's a terrible person and a worse brother. He feels that gross feeling in the pit of his stomach again, like he ate something heavy and it's just sitting there.]
... Thanks. I... maybe she'll show up here some day.
[He doesn't want her to - this place is dangerous and horrible. But he selfishly does want to talk to her just one more time. One more conversation, to tell her he's sorry.]
[she continues with the gentle nose rubs, quiet until he finishes.]
Maybe she will. Maybe just long enough for you to talk once. That's what happened the first time my sister showed up. It was only for a few hours, and it hurt so bad when I lost her again...
...but I got to say so many things, and she got to hear them.
[in the long run it had helped so much. she might have been all right, in time, if jinx had not come back, but it's better to have her here. for someone younger than jun? vi is not so sure this would be a place for them. it's hard enough on everyone, and it doesn't seem to have much care for age, though she's seem some very young-seeming sleepers on the network.
her hand returns to the couch, a touch awkwardly, palm up, and she'll leave it there a while.]
... Maybe it would be... nice. It's - it feels selfish. To want her here, just so I can apologize. I don't want to inflict this place on her.
But... you probably feel similar about Jinx.
[Jinx can probably take care of herself - Kana's ten. It's not like he's much older, but his cynicism helps shield him from a lot of things. The hand on the couch gets a glance, and he puts his hand next to hers, barely touching it. It's contact, at least.]
You're a good person. No matter what the shitty part of your brain is telling you. A bad person wouldn't have come here.
[sometimes it works out more than others. get up keep trying, that's her mantra here. she supposes very few people are decent without trying, refusing to cut herself the slack she would give anyone else in trench, even john gaius, were things explained to her by the right people.
he's right. and like she'd said, she could have said 'sucks' and kept to herself. that's not who she is here, maybe that's not who she ever really was.
she moves her finger a fraction so that it just bumps against his, just an easy, casual thing, no big deal. yeah, it's something, and she won't push it.]
It was a little selfish, yeah. But it also made her ...happy. I hadn't seen her happy since well before I got locked up. So not totally selfish. The last time I really knew her was when she was ...younger than you.
[but if powder had shown up here. oh no. no.
The shitty parts of both our brains can just get in the ocean and go.
[He doesn't move his hand away - the touch is nice, even if he doesn't want to admit it. He's never been a touchy person. Usually the most touch he got was shoulder punches from Waku or Kanji.]
That's... good. I'm glad that she was happy. She... she's important to you, so if you're happy about it, that's good.
[He sighs and closes his eyes. This is all a lot.]
I hope... if she went somewhere after dying, that it's a good place.
[vi doesn't know what she is anymore. she'd been affectionate with her sister, with vander - even with her own crew - until that was ...gone and then she just wasn't anything but angry anymore. the opportunity of affection hadn't even been offered to her until a few days before she'd turned up here - and she'd rejected it at first, even though a part of her (most of her) wanted it. here? she gets to choose who she is to some degree. she can choose not to shove it away when it's offered.
so that's what she does. it is a lot. all of it. it's also ...not terrible. she nods again as he speaks, agreeing, acknowledging. offering another small smile and leaving her hand where it is. should he take a bit of a nap, she'll sit here as he does. there's a dog that needs more pets, after all. if he just wants to sit in silence, that's cool, too.]
[ooc: some time later - when they train next most likely - she'll casually hand him a small jar of vile bloodstones after muscles are pulled and bones are aching.]
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branchandroot
cw: suicide mention
Date: 2022-09-17 10:15 pm (UTC)[It's... a lot. He hesitates, and then puts a hand on the couch between them. It's... he doesn't want to intrude on her personal space, and he doesn't want his intruded on, but it's something. It's reaching out, in a way.]
... I wanted to protect the world, if it had people like Kana in it. People who were so young, but willing to give it up to help people. I know, I know... 'you're young, too'. But she was younger than us... probably braver than all of us put together.
[It hurts, talking about Kana. But he's never going to get better if he doesn't pick at those scabs a little.]
It took me some work to become myself again. I remember having trouble keeping my shape when I first washed up here. ... It's like I didn't want to be alive again. Sometimes I don't. I know it was this place pushing me, but... I tried to kill myself shortly after I got here. I couldn't bear it.
[But now can he? He's not sure. But he doesn't have a choice.]
I'm... I'm not strong. I don't feel strong, anyway. But I have to keep going.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-19 10:37 pm (UTC)that's a lot for someone to give, even if they're too good. she watches him wrestle with this, lets her eyes drift to her own lap, to the omen, and when his hand touches the couch she doesn't move to cover it with her own the way she might with some people, but she does lean in to very tenderly stroke the dog's nose. the omens are a part of them, right?
mostly, she just listens. he'd been right about the 'you're young, too' - she might have interjected if not for that. his pain is palpable without any trench-given abilities, without magic or super senses or what have you - it's writ all over him in words, in the way his face moves and doesn't. she's again reminded of jinx's first arrival - how she'd struggled to keep her form due to things vi can only guess at, can only summarize into 'overwhelm' of many kinds.]
That? The decision to keep going? That's one way of being strong.
[she doesn't want to make this about her - it isn't. so she only offers the core of it without details.]
I've felt that way, too.
[she didn't do anything about it - no hardline attempt - but she'd thrown herself into countless dicey fights in prison - with both guards and inmates - was it in anyone's best interest to even keep her alive? not likely. what had that said about her care (or lack of) about her own life.]
I'm sorry about Kana.
[she just leaves the opening - because it might be too painful to ask anything else, and he doesn't need to be pushed. she doesn't want to do that, but she doesn't want to shut him down either. she's made that mistake before.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 12:27 am (UTC)[Jun pulls his hand away - maybe it was too much to hope for. But he listens, wrestling with the idea of being strong. Is he? Maybe from some perspectives. He doesn't feel like he is... but maybe that's normal. Maybe people who are strong never do feel that way.]
[It's not like he can ask people.]
I... I'm sorry. I'm... glad you made it, though. I'm glad you're here.
[What to say about Kana? He treated her horribly, only started caring about her when it was too late... he's a terrible person and a worse brother. He feels that gross feeling in the pit of his stomach again, like he ate something heavy and it's just sitting there.]
... Thanks. I... maybe she'll show up here some day.
[He doesn't want her to - this place is dangerous and horrible. But he selfishly does want to talk to her just one more time. One more conversation, to tell her he's sorry.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 07:48 pm (UTC)Maybe she will. Maybe just long enough for you to talk once. That's what happened the first time my sister showed up. It was only for a few hours, and it hurt so bad when I lost her again...
...but I got to say so many things, and she got to hear them.
[in the long run it had helped so much. she might have been all right, in time, if jinx had not come back, but it's better to have her here. for someone younger than jun? vi is not so sure this would be a place for them. it's hard enough on everyone, and it doesn't seem to have much care for age, though she's seem some very young-seeming sleepers on the network.
her hand returns to the couch, a touch awkwardly, palm up, and she'll leave it there a while.]
I'm glad you're here, too.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 10:59 pm (UTC)But... you probably feel similar about Jinx.
[Jinx can probably take care of herself - Kana's ten. It's not like he's much older, but his cynicism helps shield him from a lot of things. The hand on the couch gets a glance, and he puts his hand next to hers, barely touching it. It's contact, at least.]
You're a good person. No matter what the shitty part of your brain is telling you. A bad person wouldn't have come here.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-21 04:00 am (UTC)[sometimes it works out more than others. get up keep trying, that's her mantra here. she supposes very few people are decent without trying, refusing to cut herself the slack she would give anyone else in trench, even john gaius, were things explained to her by the right people.
he's right. and like she'd said, she could have said 'sucks' and kept to herself. that's not who she is here, maybe that's not who she ever really was.
she moves her finger a fraction so that it just bumps against his, just an easy, casual thing, no big deal. yeah, it's something, and she won't push it.]
It was a little selfish, yeah. But it also made her ...happy. I hadn't seen her happy since well before I got locked up. So not totally selfish. The last time I really knew her was when she was ...younger than you.
[but if powder had shown up here. oh no. no.
The shitty parts of both our brains can just get in the ocean and go.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-22 12:31 am (UTC)That's... good. I'm glad that she was happy. She... she's important to you, so if you're happy about it, that's good.
[He sighs and closes his eyes. This is all a lot.]
I hope... if she went somewhere after dying, that it's a good place.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-22 06:18 pm (UTC)so that's what she does. it is a lot. all of it. it's also ...not terrible. she nods again as he speaks, agreeing, acknowledging. offering another small smile and leaving her hand where it is. should he take a bit of a nap, she'll sit here as he does. there's a dog that needs more pets, after all. if he just wants to sit in silence, that's cool, too.]
[ooc: some time later - when they train next most likely - she'll casually hand him a small jar of vile bloodstones after muscles are pulled and bones are aching.]