[she's surprised at how much blood she can lose here, honestly. and you know what, jun? a lot of her own comforting was a little awkward at his age - she'd received her share of it in return, too.they were a bunch of kids trying to project an aura of 'i've seen it all' and comfort wasn't exactly in the "too big for my badass britches" manual.( mylo was never very good at it either, but sometimes (when no one was around) he tried.) but she offers jun a tired, sincere smile that says he's doing just fine.
and suddenly doggo.]
Hey there.
[foot sitting is a ok. it's encouraged. cuddles? hell yeah, that's even better. who could resist this? she sets the teacup down, so she can use both hands for this. all the pets. it's easier to say this with a dog there, a gentle redirect so that she can stay calm. unfortunately, any calm she's leaking into the air doesn't affect her. which ...sucks.]
Look, I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I get ...I don't sleep well. I know people that hear voices. I've heard them before, too, just not the same kind. Crazy is ...I don't even know what that means when it comes to stuff like this. Not even sure if it means anything.
I just want to help if I can, cause then that's one less person having to deal with so much bullshit.
[i only meant to help - great timing for an intrusive thought, but there it is - powder's voice, and her own failure to handle ...everything. how much "better" would she have handled herself in jun's situation? she might have found a way to fuck that up too, make it worse.]
[The doggo wags his tail and leans into the pets. Good... yes, let him be a therapy doggo. He can do that, at least. He sensed Jun was getting uncomfortable but he wants to help Vi, too. She's important to Jun, after all.]
I... appreciate it. It's not... it's not that I don't. I just... want you to take care of yourself, too.
Someone like me isn't high on the priority list for anyone, and that's... fine. I'm okay with that. I'm not special. I'm just... a normal kid.
[Who had to deal with an abnormal situation, who dealt with it the best he could but it still feels like he didn't deal with it well enough...]
I'm good. I've got people too, even if I didn't want 'em to start with.
[a soft, rueful smile. she'd let alayne in almost by accident, and then it just snowballed. it had been easy, even. sometimes she wonders how much of that is the design of trench, the idea of second chances. most of the time, she doesn't care. it doesn't matter why it happened - now it just is.]
I wouldn't say that's true. You think Manabu would give you a place to stay if you didn't matter? He's a good dude, but come on, that's---
---you matter to him, and you matter to me. Think I'd be here if you weren't a priority? I could've been like "sucks" and went on with my day.
[would she have done that to someone else? maybe not that rudely, no, and maybe not at all, but there wouldn't have been such a sense of urgency.
petting the dog helps. saying this stuff out loud helps, too.]
Looks like we're in two clubs together, kid. Cause I'm not special either.
[do they merge the badges? get two badges? 'people who hate themselves and are not special' meeting is in session.]
... I don't know. Maybe. He's too nice for his own good.
[But to take him under his wing? He's not sure. He closes his eyes for a moment, just trying to... breathe. He's not got any sort of magical powers, he's not a great athlete, he's smart but his education is limited...]
[Why do people care? It's a question he's asked himself so many times here and he's never gotten a real answer. His eyes suddenly feel itchy, like he's about to cry - he rubs at them furiously, trying to keep that from happening. He doesn't need that, not now. Not in front of Vi. His eyes open partway, just enough to stare at his hands.]
I'm - I mean I think you are. You can do so much... you're strong and brave. I'm not... either of those things.
... I know that there's no guarantee I'll ever be 'better' from what happened to me... from what I had to do. But sometimes I wish... I wish I could just... suddenly be better. It's like being sick, but you don't know how long it'll last.
Maybe it's a little of both. He's a little too good, you're worth caring about. It can be both of them.
[there it is - that urge to fight back tears - she's done it so many times, especially at his age. there's a huge urge to do something when she's on the other side of it - but she's respecting his boundaries, and even though he's not the kind of kid to ask for a hug ...maybe ever, he'll have to make it more clear to her if she can cross that line. until then she will respectfully lower her eyes a little - but there's no shame in crying - she's long past thinking that ...at least when it comes to other people. especially over things like this.]
You think I'm strong and brave. I can ...remember lots of times I wasn't.
There are all kinds of ways to be strong, Jun. I think we're just different kinds of strong. Some people would go through that ....what you had to do and they'd ...I dunno, maybe they'd never be able to really be a person again? They'd just give up on trying and stay in the ocean and never come here.
Or maybe they wouldn't have gotten as far as you did. Been able to give their---
[is that a tear making its way out her her? sure. does she try to wipe it away? nah.]
---life like you did. I think you're brave.
[she'd like for him to get better, but there are a lot of murky, muddled feelings lately as to what constitutes 'better'. mostly, she'd like him to cut himself more slack. pot. kettle. all that.]
Maybe better is just ...maybe we just change a little every day. As things happen. If you had to compare how you felt after Manabu offered you a place, after he told you he gave a shit, would you say that's better than how you felt before?
... Yeah, it is. I wasn't living anywhere good before this. I tried a few places... they were all dusty and dirty. He gave me a job, he gave me a place to stay - he gave up his own room for me.
[It's... a lot. He hesitates, and then puts a hand on the couch between them. It's... he doesn't want to intrude on her personal space, and he doesn't want his intruded on, but it's something. It's reaching out, in a way.]
... I wanted to protect the world, if it had people like Kana in it. People who were so young, but willing to give it up to help people. I know, I know... 'you're young, too'. But she was younger than us... probably braver than all of us put together.
[It hurts, talking about Kana. But he's never going to get better if he doesn't pick at those scabs a little.]
It took me some work to become myself again. I remember having trouble keeping my shape when I first washed up here. ... It's like I didn't want to be alive again. Sometimes I don't. I know it was this place pushing me, but... I tried to kill myself shortly after I got here. I couldn't bear it.
[But now can he? He's not sure. But he doesn't have a choice.]
I'm... I'm not strong. I don't feel strong, anyway. But I have to keep going.
[vi often thinks about where she might have ended up if alayne (rip akayne stone you were a real one) hadn't returned, or if they'd never met at all. the imagined result changes depending on the day, but it's always some level of self imposed isolation. several more layers of 'i'm fine'. sometimes it's prufrock, sometimes it's the docks in dracmouth.
that's a lot for someone to give, even if they're too good. she watches him wrestle with this, lets her eyes drift to her own lap, to the omen, and when his hand touches the couch she doesn't move to cover it with her own the way she might with some people, but she does lean in to very tenderly stroke the dog's nose. the omens are a part of them, right?
mostly, she just listens. he'd been right about the 'you're young, too' - she might have interjected if not for that. his pain is palpable without any trench-given abilities, without magic or super senses or what have you - it's writ all over him in words, in the way his face moves and doesn't. she's again reminded of jinx's first arrival - how she'd struggled to keep her form due to things vi can only guess at, can only summarize into 'overwhelm' of many kinds.]
That? The decision to keep going? That's one way of being strong.
[she doesn't want to make this about her - it isn't. so she only offers the core of it without details.]
I've felt that way, too.
[she didn't do anything about it - no hardline attempt - but she'd thrown herself into countless dicey fights in prison - with both guards and inmates - was it in anyone's best interest to even keep her alive? not likely. what had that said about her care (or lack of) about her own life.]
I'm sorry about Kana.
[she just leaves the opening - because it might be too painful to ask anything else, and he doesn't need to be pushed. she doesn't want to do that, but she doesn't want to shut him down either. she's made that mistake before.]
[His omen whines softly at her, ears drooping as he reflects his Sleeper's emotions. He nuzzles into her hand again, almost desperate for more attention.]
[Jun pulls his hand away - maybe it was too much to hope for. But he listens, wrestling with the idea of being strong. Is he? Maybe from some perspectives. He doesn't feel like he is... but maybe that's normal. Maybe people who are strong never do feel that way.]
[It's not like he can ask people.]
I... I'm sorry. I'm... glad you made it, though. I'm glad you're here.
[What to say about Kana? He treated her horribly, only started caring about her when it was too late... he's a terrible person and a worse brother. He feels that gross feeling in the pit of his stomach again, like he ate something heavy and it's just sitting there.]
... Thanks. I... maybe she'll show up here some day.
[He doesn't want her to - this place is dangerous and horrible. But he selfishly does want to talk to her just one more time. One more conversation, to tell her he's sorry.]
[she continues with the gentle nose rubs, quiet until he finishes.]
Maybe she will. Maybe just long enough for you to talk once. That's what happened the first time my sister showed up. It was only for a few hours, and it hurt so bad when I lost her again...
...but I got to say so many things, and she got to hear them.
[in the long run it had helped so much. she might have been all right, in time, if jinx had not come back, but it's better to have her here. for someone younger than jun? vi is not so sure this would be a place for them. it's hard enough on everyone, and it doesn't seem to have much care for age, though she's seem some very young-seeming sleepers on the network.
her hand returns to the couch, a touch awkwardly, palm up, and she'll leave it there a while.]
... Maybe it would be... nice. It's - it feels selfish. To want her here, just so I can apologize. I don't want to inflict this place on her.
But... you probably feel similar about Jinx.
[Jinx can probably take care of herself - Kana's ten. It's not like he's much older, but his cynicism helps shield him from a lot of things. The hand on the couch gets a glance, and he puts his hand next to hers, barely touching it. It's contact, at least.]
You're a good person. No matter what the shitty part of your brain is telling you. A bad person wouldn't have come here.
[sometimes it works out more than others. get up keep trying, that's her mantra here. she supposes very few people are decent without trying, refusing to cut herself the slack she would give anyone else in trench, even john gaius, were things explained to her by the right people.
he's right. and like she'd said, she could have said 'sucks' and kept to herself. that's not who she is here, maybe that's not who she ever really was.
she moves her finger a fraction so that it just bumps against his, just an easy, casual thing, no big deal. yeah, it's something, and she won't push it.]
It was a little selfish, yeah. But it also made her ...happy. I hadn't seen her happy since well before I got locked up. So not totally selfish. The last time I really knew her was when she was ...younger than you.
[but if powder had shown up here. oh no. no.
The shitty parts of both our brains can just get in the ocean and go.
[He doesn't move his hand away - the touch is nice, even if he doesn't want to admit it. He's never been a touchy person. Usually the most touch he got was shoulder punches from Waku or Kanji.]
That's... good. I'm glad that she was happy. She... she's important to you, so if you're happy about it, that's good.
[He sighs and closes his eyes. This is all a lot.]
I hope... if she went somewhere after dying, that it's a good place.
[vi doesn't know what she is anymore. she'd been affectionate with her sister, with vander - even with her own crew - until that was ...gone and then she just wasn't anything but angry anymore. the opportunity of affection hadn't even been offered to her until a few days before she'd turned up here - and she'd rejected it at first, even though a part of her (most of her) wanted it. here? she gets to choose who she is to some degree. she can choose not to shove it away when it's offered.
so that's what she does. it is a lot. all of it. it's also ...not terrible. she nods again as he speaks, agreeing, acknowledging. offering another small smile and leaving her hand where it is. should he take a bit of a nap, she'll sit here as he does. there's a dog that needs more pets, after all. if he just wants to sit in silence, that's cool, too.]
[ooc: some time later - when they train next most likely - she'll casually hand him a small jar of vile bloodstones after muscles are pulled and bones are aching.]
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2022-09-15 03:45 pm (UTC)[she's surprised at how much blood she can lose here, honestly. and you know what, jun? a lot of her own comforting was a little awkward at his age - she'd received her share of it in return, too.they were a bunch of kids trying to project an aura of 'i've seen it all' and comfort wasn't exactly in the "too big for my badass britches" manual.( mylo was never very good at it either, but sometimes (when no one was around) he tried.) but she offers jun a tired, sincere smile that says he's doing just fine.
and suddenly doggo.]
Hey there.
[foot sitting is a ok. it's encouraged. cuddles? hell yeah, that's even better. who could resist this? she sets the teacup down, so she can use both hands for this. all the pets. it's easier to say this with a dog there, a gentle redirect so that she can stay calm. unfortunately, any calm she's leaking into the air doesn't affect her. which ...sucks.]
Look, I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I get ...I don't sleep well. I know people that hear voices. I've heard them before, too, just not the same kind. Crazy is ...I don't even know what that means when it comes to stuff like this. Not even sure if it means anything.
I just want to help if I can, cause then that's one less person having to deal with so much bullshit.
[i only meant to help - great timing for an intrusive thought, but there it is - powder's voice, and her own failure to handle ...everything. how much "better" would she have handled herself in jun's situation? she might have found a way to fuck that up too, make it worse.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-15 09:44 pm (UTC)I... appreciate it. It's not... it's not that I don't. I just... want you to take care of yourself, too.
Someone like me isn't high on the priority list for anyone, and that's... fine. I'm okay with that. I'm not special. I'm just... a normal kid.
[Who had to deal with an abnormal situation, who dealt with it the best he could but it still feels like he didn't deal with it well enough...]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-16 05:37 pm (UTC)[a soft, rueful smile. she'd let alayne in almost by accident, and then it just snowballed. it had been easy, even. sometimes she wonders how much of that is the design of trench, the idea of second chances. most of the time, she doesn't care. it doesn't matter why it happened - now it just is.]
I wouldn't say that's true. You think Manabu would give you a place to stay if you didn't matter? He's a good dude, but come on, that's---
---you matter to him, and you matter to me. Think I'd be here if you weren't a priority? I could've been like "sucks" and went on with my day.
[would she have done that to someone else? maybe not that rudely, no, and maybe not at all, but there wouldn't have been such a sense of urgency.
petting the dog helps. saying this stuff out loud helps, too.]
Looks like we're in two clubs together, kid. Cause I'm not special either.
[do they merge the badges? get two badges? 'people who hate themselves and are not special' meeting is in session.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-16 06:40 pm (UTC)[But to take him under his wing? He's not sure. He closes his eyes for a moment, just trying to... breathe. He's not got any sort of magical powers, he's not a great athlete, he's smart but his education is limited...]
[Why do people care? It's a question he's asked himself so many times here and he's never gotten a real answer. His eyes suddenly feel itchy, like he's about to cry - he rubs at them furiously, trying to keep that from happening. He doesn't need that, not now. Not in front of Vi. His eyes open partway, just enough to stare at his hands.]
I'm - I mean I think you are. You can do so much... you're strong and brave. I'm not... either of those things.
... I know that there's no guarantee I'll ever be 'better' from what happened to me... from what I had to do. But sometimes I wish... I wish I could just... suddenly be better. It's like being sick, but you don't know how long it'll last.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-17 10:05 pm (UTC)[there it is - that urge to fight back tears - she's done it so many times, especially at his age. there's a huge urge to do something when she's on the other side of it - but she's respecting his boundaries, and even though he's not the kind of kid to ask for a hug ...maybe ever, he'll have to make it more clear to her if she can cross that line. until then she will respectfully lower her eyes a little - but there's no shame in crying - she's long past thinking that ...at least when it comes to other people. especially over things like this.]
You think I'm strong and brave. I can ...remember lots of times I wasn't.
There are all kinds of ways to be strong, Jun. I think we're just different kinds of strong. Some people would go through that ....what you had to do and they'd ...I dunno, maybe they'd never be able to really be a person again? They'd just give up on trying and stay in the ocean and never come here.
Or maybe they wouldn't have gotten as far as you did. Been able to give their---
[is that a tear making its way out her her? sure. does she try to wipe it away? nah.]
---life like you did. I think you're brave.
[she'd like for him to get better, but there are a lot of murky, muddled feelings lately as to what constitutes 'better'. mostly, she'd like him to cut himself more slack. pot. kettle. all that.]
Maybe better is just ...maybe we just change a little every day. As things happen. If you had to compare how you felt after Manabu offered you a place, after he told you he gave a shit, would you say that's better than how you felt before?
[it's something.]
cw: suicide mention
Date: 2022-09-17 10:15 pm (UTC)[It's... a lot. He hesitates, and then puts a hand on the couch between them. It's... he doesn't want to intrude on her personal space, and he doesn't want his intruded on, but it's something. It's reaching out, in a way.]
... I wanted to protect the world, if it had people like Kana in it. People who were so young, but willing to give it up to help people. I know, I know... 'you're young, too'. But she was younger than us... probably braver than all of us put together.
[It hurts, talking about Kana. But he's never going to get better if he doesn't pick at those scabs a little.]
It took me some work to become myself again. I remember having trouble keeping my shape when I first washed up here. ... It's like I didn't want to be alive again. Sometimes I don't. I know it was this place pushing me, but... I tried to kill myself shortly after I got here. I couldn't bear it.
[But now can he? He's not sure. But he doesn't have a choice.]
I'm... I'm not strong. I don't feel strong, anyway. But I have to keep going.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-19 10:37 pm (UTC)that's a lot for someone to give, even if they're too good. she watches him wrestle with this, lets her eyes drift to her own lap, to the omen, and when his hand touches the couch she doesn't move to cover it with her own the way she might with some people, but she does lean in to very tenderly stroke the dog's nose. the omens are a part of them, right?
mostly, she just listens. he'd been right about the 'you're young, too' - she might have interjected if not for that. his pain is palpable without any trench-given abilities, without magic or super senses or what have you - it's writ all over him in words, in the way his face moves and doesn't. she's again reminded of jinx's first arrival - how she'd struggled to keep her form due to things vi can only guess at, can only summarize into 'overwhelm' of many kinds.]
That? The decision to keep going? That's one way of being strong.
[she doesn't want to make this about her - it isn't. so she only offers the core of it without details.]
I've felt that way, too.
[she didn't do anything about it - no hardline attempt - but she'd thrown herself into countless dicey fights in prison - with both guards and inmates - was it in anyone's best interest to even keep her alive? not likely. what had that said about her care (or lack of) about her own life.]
I'm sorry about Kana.
[she just leaves the opening - because it might be too painful to ask anything else, and he doesn't need to be pushed. she doesn't want to do that, but she doesn't want to shut him down either. she's made that mistake before.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 12:27 am (UTC)[Jun pulls his hand away - maybe it was too much to hope for. But he listens, wrestling with the idea of being strong. Is he? Maybe from some perspectives. He doesn't feel like he is... but maybe that's normal. Maybe people who are strong never do feel that way.]
[It's not like he can ask people.]
I... I'm sorry. I'm... glad you made it, though. I'm glad you're here.
[What to say about Kana? He treated her horribly, only started caring about her when it was too late... he's a terrible person and a worse brother. He feels that gross feeling in the pit of his stomach again, like he ate something heavy and it's just sitting there.]
... Thanks. I... maybe she'll show up here some day.
[He doesn't want her to - this place is dangerous and horrible. But he selfishly does want to talk to her just one more time. One more conversation, to tell her he's sorry.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 07:48 pm (UTC)Maybe she will. Maybe just long enough for you to talk once. That's what happened the first time my sister showed up. It was only for a few hours, and it hurt so bad when I lost her again...
...but I got to say so many things, and she got to hear them.
[in the long run it had helped so much. she might have been all right, in time, if jinx had not come back, but it's better to have her here. for someone younger than jun? vi is not so sure this would be a place for them. it's hard enough on everyone, and it doesn't seem to have much care for age, though she's seem some very young-seeming sleepers on the network.
her hand returns to the couch, a touch awkwardly, palm up, and she'll leave it there a while.]
I'm glad you're here, too.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 10:59 pm (UTC)But... you probably feel similar about Jinx.
[Jinx can probably take care of herself - Kana's ten. It's not like he's much older, but his cynicism helps shield him from a lot of things. The hand on the couch gets a glance, and he puts his hand next to hers, barely touching it. It's contact, at least.]
You're a good person. No matter what the shitty part of your brain is telling you. A bad person wouldn't have come here.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-21 04:00 am (UTC)[sometimes it works out more than others. get up keep trying, that's her mantra here. she supposes very few people are decent without trying, refusing to cut herself the slack she would give anyone else in trench, even john gaius, were things explained to her by the right people.
he's right. and like she'd said, she could have said 'sucks' and kept to herself. that's not who she is here, maybe that's not who she ever really was.
she moves her finger a fraction so that it just bumps against his, just an easy, casual thing, no big deal. yeah, it's something, and she won't push it.]
It was a little selfish, yeah. But it also made her ...happy. I hadn't seen her happy since well before I got locked up. So not totally selfish. The last time I really knew her was when she was ...younger than you.
[but if powder had shown up here. oh no. no.
The shitty parts of both our brains can just get in the ocean and go.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-22 12:31 am (UTC)That's... good. I'm glad that she was happy. She... she's important to you, so if you're happy about it, that's good.
[He sighs and closes his eyes. This is all a lot.]
I hope... if she went somewhere after dying, that it's a good place.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-22 06:18 pm (UTC)so that's what she does. it is a lot. all of it. it's also ...not terrible. she nods again as he speaks, agreeing, acknowledging. offering another small smile and leaving her hand where it is. should he take a bit of a nap, she'll sit here as he does. there's a dog that needs more pets, after all. if he just wants to sit in silence, that's cool, too.]
[ooc: some time later - when they train next most likely - she'll casually hand him a small jar of vile bloodstones after muscles are pulled and bones are aching.]