[she remembers the mention of jun in falco's post now - now that she's more focused, and that a clear line of mention's been made. there had been something about an apology, yeah. what an unexpected ride that whole series of conversations had been. she should check to see if all the borrowed things have been returned. but that can wait - she's not going to pry into their business now - and last she heard, falco was not in any danger of losing a hand or two.]
Okay.
[she'll set off as soon as it comes, in her hunter gear rather than casual clothes - bag and kit at the ready even though it's crenshaw, and supposedly safe as houses. heh. can't be too careful now that more weird shit has started.]
[He realizes she's coming over and so he heads downstairs. It's... a modest house, given that there's a lot of people living in it. There's not too much of an issue, though there's weirdly a tent in the living room?]
[Whatever.]
[He sits on the couch and waits for her - after making some tea. He has no idea if she drinks tea, but it seems like the thing to do.]
[she will drink anything. except possibly a flaming shot. she's quick about it, and finds the residence without issue - a good credit goes to the map she was given. she'll knock, because that's what you're supposed to do.]
[she knows. she pretends she isn't either - and maybe it's that she used to be and that had been beaten out of her - lost to suspicious and trauma and a whole host of things. she pretends not to care about a lot of things, and sometimes she forgets she's pretending.
gonna help herself to that tea, though, before she sits down next to him, but not too close.]
I get 'em too. I can't do shit about mine right now but ...I might be able to help a little with yours.
[she sighs a little, looks down, lets a bit more of her guard drop. she doesn't have to have all her shit together here, not for this.]
I'm not sure how long it'll take or if it'll even work, but I wanna test it before I go giving you a bunch of false hope. Think of something vaguely shitty. Not nightmare level bad. Just something that sets your teeth on edge.
And then tell me if it's less ...annoying after a couple minutes.
[He looks up at her in confusion, but... well. He might as well try. He nods and thinks of his friends trying to show him porn, He rolls his eyes and grits his teeth, trying to hold onto the feeling of anger.]
[It does... start to fade after a little bit. He tilts his head, puzzled by it, and then nods again.]
[A little worse? What's between annoying friends and nightmare? He thinks on it for a little and then settles on thinking about Tanaka. How she abandoned him with someone who wasn't prepared for a child.]
[He clutches the armrest of the couch, trying to not grit his teeth. He's... doing his best to keep his cool.]
[But it does seem to fade, at least a little, and finally he feels like he can breathe. He tilts his head as he looks over at Vi.]
It's not so much me as it's my blood. I felt it too ...from another Vileblood. That's how I was able to guess. You know how people's blood gets weird sometimes, and not just in the way we're used to? I think it's that. It's gotta be.
[she's quiet a moment, using the pause to down the rest of the tea.]
Even my sister is a little more even keeled, a little calmer ...so yeah. That's what it is.
[That's... strange. He doesn't want to admit that their blood can do weird things - more weird things. He still hasn't gotten control of his own abilities, whatever they might be. He sighs and sinks into the cushions a little more.]
[that. gets a laugh. would she do it? sure. but that wasn't her like of thinking.]
I'm gonna have this blood, what I've got right now made into some stones to put in something for you to keep. A jar maybe.
[the plankton from the ship and the deep ocean roads still retained its glow, so why not this? she can only try.]
But. If you ever need me to sit watch, I can do that, too. [she nods to the tent] But you've got people. If you've got Manabu on your side that's a good thing. I can sit here and read a book if you wanna try a nap, your call.
[He reaches over and gives her an awkward shoulder pat, trying to be comforting. He's not... good at that.]
No, I'm... I'm good. Usually my omen's pretty good at sitting on me - like one of those weighted blanket kind of things? It's weird but it does help a little bit.
[Speaking of the omen in question, the large golden retriever wanders up to Vi and sits on her foot.]
Oh come on, don't be rude.
[The dog huffs and puts his head in Vi's lap. Cuddles, please.]
[she's surprised at how much blood she can lose here, honestly. and you know what, jun? a lot of her own comforting was a little awkward at his age - she'd received her share of it in return, too.they were a bunch of kids trying to project an aura of 'i've seen it all' and comfort wasn't exactly in the "too big for my badass britches" manual.( mylo was never very good at it either, but sometimes (when no one was around) he tried.) but she offers jun a tired, sincere smile that says he's doing just fine.
and suddenly doggo.]
Hey there.
[foot sitting is a ok. it's encouraged. cuddles? hell yeah, that's even better. who could resist this? she sets the teacup down, so she can use both hands for this. all the pets. it's easier to say this with a dog there, a gentle redirect so that she can stay calm. unfortunately, any calm she's leaking into the air doesn't affect her. which ...sucks.]
Look, I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I get ...I don't sleep well. I know people that hear voices. I've heard them before, too, just not the same kind. Crazy is ...I don't even know what that means when it comes to stuff like this. Not even sure if it means anything.
I just want to help if I can, cause then that's one less person having to deal with so much bullshit.
[i only meant to help - great timing for an intrusive thought, but there it is - powder's voice, and her own failure to handle ...everything. how much "better" would she have handled herself in jun's situation? she might have found a way to fuck that up too, make it worse.]
[The doggo wags his tail and leans into the pets. Good... yes, let him be a therapy doggo. He can do that, at least. He sensed Jun was getting uncomfortable but he wants to help Vi, too. She's important to Jun, after all.]
I... appreciate it. It's not... it's not that I don't. I just... want you to take care of yourself, too.
Someone like me isn't high on the priority list for anyone, and that's... fine. I'm okay with that. I'm not special. I'm just... a normal kid.
[Who had to deal with an abnormal situation, who dealt with it the best he could but it still feels like he didn't deal with it well enough...]
I'm good. I've got people too, even if I didn't want 'em to start with.
[a soft, rueful smile. she'd let alayne in almost by accident, and then it just snowballed. it had been easy, even. sometimes she wonders how much of that is the design of trench, the idea of second chances. most of the time, she doesn't care. it doesn't matter why it happened - now it just is.]
I wouldn't say that's true. You think Manabu would give you a place to stay if you didn't matter? He's a good dude, but come on, that's---
---you matter to him, and you matter to me. Think I'd be here if you weren't a priority? I could've been like "sucks" and went on with my day.
[would she have done that to someone else? maybe not that rudely, no, and maybe not at all, but there wouldn't have been such a sense of urgency.
petting the dog helps. saying this stuff out loud helps, too.]
Looks like we're in two clubs together, kid. Cause I'm not special either.
[do they merge the badges? get two badges? 'people who hate themselves and are not special' meeting is in session.]
... I don't know. Maybe. He's too nice for his own good.
[But to take him under his wing? He's not sure. He closes his eyes for a moment, just trying to... breathe. He's not got any sort of magical powers, he's not a great athlete, he's smart but his education is limited...]
[Why do people care? It's a question he's asked himself so many times here and he's never gotten a real answer. His eyes suddenly feel itchy, like he's about to cry - he rubs at them furiously, trying to keep that from happening. He doesn't need that, not now. Not in front of Vi. His eyes open partway, just enough to stare at his hands.]
I'm - I mean I think you are. You can do so much... you're strong and brave. I'm not... either of those things.
... I know that there's no guarantee I'll ever be 'better' from what happened to me... from what I had to do. But sometimes I wish... I wish I could just... suddenly be better. It's like being sick, but you don't know how long it'll last.
Maybe it's a little of both. He's a little too good, you're worth caring about. It can be both of them.
[there it is - that urge to fight back tears - she's done it so many times, especially at his age. there's a huge urge to do something when she's on the other side of it - but she's respecting his boundaries, and even though he's not the kind of kid to ask for a hug ...maybe ever, he'll have to make it more clear to her if she can cross that line. until then she will respectfully lower her eyes a little - but there's no shame in crying - she's long past thinking that ...at least when it comes to other people. especially over things like this.]
You think I'm strong and brave. I can ...remember lots of times I wasn't.
There are all kinds of ways to be strong, Jun. I think we're just different kinds of strong. Some people would go through that ....what you had to do and they'd ...I dunno, maybe they'd never be able to really be a person again? They'd just give up on trying and stay in the ocean and never come here.
Or maybe they wouldn't have gotten as far as you did. Been able to give their---
[is that a tear making its way out her her? sure. does she try to wipe it away? nah.]
---life like you did. I think you're brave.
[she'd like for him to get better, but there are a lot of murky, muddled feelings lately as to what constitutes 'better'. mostly, she'd like him to cut himself more slack. pot. kettle. all that.]
Maybe better is just ...maybe we just change a little every day. As things happen. If you had to compare how you felt after Manabu offered you a place, after he told you he gave a shit, would you say that's better than how you felt before?
... Yeah, it is. I wasn't living anywhere good before this. I tried a few places... they were all dusty and dirty. He gave me a job, he gave me a place to stay - he gave up his own room for me.
[It's... a lot. He hesitates, and then puts a hand on the couch between them. It's... he doesn't want to intrude on her personal space, and he doesn't want his intruded on, but it's something. It's reaching out, in a way.]
... I wanted to protect the world, if it had people like Kana in it. People who were so young, but willing to give it up to help people. I know, I know... 'you're young, too'. But she was younger than us... probably braver than all of us put together.
[It hurts, talking about Kana. But he's never going to get better if he doesn't pick at those scabs a little.]
It took me some work to become myself again. I remember having trouble keeping my shape when I first washed up here. ... It's like I didn't want to be alive again. Sometimes I don't. I know it was this place pushing me, but... I tried to kill myself shortly after I got here. I couldn't bear it.
[But now can he? He's not sure. But he doesn't have a choice.]
I'm... I'm not strong. I don't feel strong, anyway. But I have to keep going.
[vi often thinks about where she might have ended up if alayne (rip akayne stone you were a real one) hadn't returned, or if they'd never met at all. the imagined result changes depending on the day, but it's always some level of self imposed isolation. several more layers of 'i'm fine'. sometimes it's prufrock, sometimes it's the docks in dracmouth.
that's a lot for someone to give, even if they're too good. she watches him wrestle with this, lets her eyes drift to her own lap, to the omen, and when his hand touches the couch she doesn't move to cover it with her own the way she might with some people, but she does lean in to very tenderly stroke the dog's nose. the omens are a part of them, right?
mostly, she just listens. he'd been right about the 'you're young, too' - she might have interjected if not for that. his pain is palpable without any trench-given abilities, without magic or super senses or what have you - it's writ all over him in words, in the way his face moves and doesn't. she's again reminded of jinx's first arrival - how she'd struggled to keep her form due to things vi can only guess at, can only summarize into 'overwhelm' of many kinds.]
That? The decision to keep going? That's one way of being strong.
[she doesn't want to make this about her - it isn't. so she only offers the core of it without details.]
I've felt that way, too.
[she didn't do anything about it - no hardline attempt - but she'd thrown herself into countless dicey fights in prison - with both guards and inmates - was it in anyone's best interest to even keep her alive? not likely. what had that said about her care (or lack of) about her own life.]
I'm sorry about Kana.
[she just leaves the opening - because it might be too painful to ask anything else, and he doesn't need to be pushed. she doesn't want to do that, but she doesn't want to shut him down either. she's made that mistake before.]
[His omen whines softly at her, ears drooping as he reflects his Sleeper's emotions. He nuzzles into her hand again, almost desperate for more attention.]
[Jun pulls his hand away - maybe it was too much to hope for. But he listens, wrestling with the idea of being strong. Is he? Maybe from some perspectives. He doesn't feel like he is... but maybe that's normal. Maybe people who are strong never do feel that way.]
[It's not like he can ask people.]
I... I'm sorry. I'm... glad you made it, though. I'm glad you're here.
[What to say about Kana? He treated her horribly, only started caring about her when it was too late... he's a terrible person and a worse brother. He feels that gross feeling in the pit of his stomach again, like he ate something heavy and it's just sitting there.]
... Thanks. I... maybe she'll show up here some day.
[He doesn't want her to - this place is dangerous and horrible. But he selfishly does want to talk to her just one more time. One more conversation, to tell her he's sorry.]
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2022-09-09 03:15 pm (UTC)[He's not gonna comment on the asshole brains thing. He knows, it's just... hard.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-09 03:29 pm (UTC)Okay.
[she'll set off as soon as it comes, in her hunter gear rather than casual clothes - bag and kit at the ready even though it's crenshaw, and supposedly safe as houses. heh. can't be too careful now that more weird shit has started.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-09 04:11 pm (UTC)[Whatever.]
[He sits on the couch and waits for her - after making some tea. He has no idea if she drinks tea, but it seems like the thing to do.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-10 04:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-09-10 09:41 pm (UTC)... Everything okay?
[She didn't really explain why she wanted to come over, after all.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-12 12:36 am (UTC)I think so? I wanna try something if you're cool with it. It's only a little weird, and we don't have to hug or anything.
It's not more crunches, either.
Do you have a place you like to sit? I need to sit near you, I think.
[headtilt. is that a ...tent?]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-12 12:39 am (UTC)[He motions to the couch and brings the tea over to the little table in front of it.]
Good. You know I'm not the hugging type.
[He'll just... settle into the couch, then.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-12 05:30 pm (UTC)gonna help herself to that tea, though, before she sits down next to him, but not too close.]
How often you get nightmares?
no subject
Date: 2022-09-12 06:15 pm (UTC)At least a few times a week. It's... really annoying. Why?
[He's not really the type to admit that but... Vi is safe.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-12 11:52 pm (UTC)[she sighs a little, looks down, lets a bit more of her guard drop. she doesn't have to have all her shit together here, not for this.]
I'm not sure how long it'll take or if it'll even work, but I wanna test it before I go giving you a bunch of false hope. Think of something vaguely shitty. Not nightmare level bad. Just something that sets your teeth on edge.
And then tell me if it's less ...annoying after a couple minutes.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-13 01:04 am (UTC)[It does... start to fade after a little bit. He tilts his head, puzzled by it, and then nods again.]
I think... it's working. A little.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-13 01:15 am (UTC)[she thinks she's already got it, but she just wants to make sure.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-13 01:20 am (UTC)[He clutches the armrest of the couch, trying to not grit his teeth. He's... doing his best to keep his cool.]
[But it does seem to fade, at least a little, and finally he feels like he can breathe. He tilts his head as he looks over at Vi.]
What are you doing?
no subject
Date: 2022-09-13 03:02 am (UTC)[she's quiet a moment, using the pause to down the rest of the tea.]
Even my sister is a little more even keeled, a little calmer ...so yeah. That's what it is.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-14 12:29 am (UTC)[That's... strange. He doesn't want to admit that their blood can do weird things - more weird things. He still hasn't gotten control of his own abilities, whatever they might be. He sighs and sinks into the cushions a little more.]
So what, you're going to tuck me into bed?
no subject
Date: 2022-09-14 12:59 am (UTC)I'm gonna have this blood, what I've got right now made into some stones to put in something for you to keep. A jar maybe.
[the plankton from the ship and the deep ocean roads still retained its glow, so why not this? she can only try.]
But. If you ever need me to sit watch, I can do that, too. [she nods to the tent] But you've got people. If you've got Manabu on your side that's a good thing. I can sit here and read a book if you wanna try a nap, your call.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-14 04:52 pm (UTC)[He reaches over and gives her an awkward shoulder pat, trying to be comforting. He's not... good at that.]
No, I'm... I'm good. Usually my omen's pretty good at sitting on me - like one of those weighted blanket kind of things? It's weird but it does help a little bit.
[Speaking of the omen in question, the large golden retriever wanders up to Vi and sits on her foot.]
Oh come on, don't be rude.
[The dog huffs and puts his head in Vi's lap. Cuddles, please.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-15 03:45 pm (UTC)[she's surprised at how much blood she can lose here, honestly. and you know what, jun? a lot of her own comforting was a little awkward at his age - she'd received her share of it in return, too.they were a bunch of kids trying to project an aura of 'i've seen it all' and comfort wasn't exactly in the "too big for my badass britches" manual.( mylo was never very good at it either, but sometimes (when no one was around) he tried.) but she offers jun a tired, sincere smile that says he's doing just fine.
and suddenly doggo.]
Hey there.
[foot sitting is a ok. it's encouraged. cuddles? hell yeah, that's even better. who could resist this? she sets the teacup down, so she can use both hands for this. all the pets. it's easier to say this with a dog there, a gentle redirect so that she can stay calm. unfortunately, any calm she's leaking into the air doesn't affect her. which ...sucks.]
Look, I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I get ...I don't sleep well. I know people that hear voices. I've heard them before, too, just not the same kind. Crazy is ...I don't even know what that means when it comes to stuff like this. Not even sure if it means anything.
I just want to help if I can, cause then that's one less person having to deal with so much bullshit.
[i only meant to help - great timing for an intrusive thought, but there it is - powder's voice, and her own failure to handle ...everything. how much "better" would she have handled herself in jun's situation? she might have found a way to fuck that up too, make it worse.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-15 09:44 pm (UTC)I... appreciate it. It's not... it's not that I don't. I just... want you to take care of yourself, too.
Someone like me isn't high on the priority list for anyone, and that's... fine. I'm okay with that. I'm not special. I'm just... a normal kid.
[Who had to deal with an abnormal situation, who dealt with it the best he could but it still feels like he didn't deal with it well enough...]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-16 05:37 pm (UTC)[a soft, rueful smile. she'd let alayne in almost by accident, and then it just snowballed. it had been easy, even. sometimes she wonders how much of that is the design of trench, the idea of second chances. most of the time, she doesn't care. it doesn't matter why it happened - now it just is.]
I wouldn't say that's true. You think Manabu would give you a place to stay if you didn't matter? He's a good dude, but come on, that's---
---you matter to him, and you matter to me. Think I'd be here if you weren't a priority? I could've been like "sucks" and went on with my day.
[would she have done that to someone else? maybe not that rudely, no, and maybe not at all, but there wouldn't have been such a sense of urgency.
petting the dog helps. saying this stuff out loud helps, too.]
Looks like we're in two clubs together, kid. Cause I'm not special either.
[do they merge the badges? get two badges? 'people who hate themselves and are not special' meeting is in session.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-16 06:40 pm (UTC)[But to take him under his wing? He's not sure. He closes his eyes for a moment, just trying to... breathe. He's not got any sort of magical powers, he's not a great athlete, he's smart but his education is limited...]
[Why do people care? It's a question he's asked himself so many times here and he's never gotten a real answer. His eyes suddenly feel itchy, like he's about to cry - he rubs at them furiously, trying to keep that from happening. He doesn't need that, not now. Not in front of Vi. His eyes open partway, just enough to stare at his hands.]
I'm - I mean I think you are. You can do so much... you're strong and brave. I'm not... either of those things.
... I know that there's no guarantee I'll ever be 'better' from what happened to me... from what I had to do. But sometimes I wish... I wish I could just... suddenly be better. It's like being sick, but you don't know how long it'll last.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-17 10:05 pm (UTC)[there it is - that urge to fight back tears - she's done it so many times, especially at his age. there's a huge urge to do something when she's on the other side of it - but she's respecting his boundaries, and even though he's not the kind of kid to ask for a hug ...maybe ever, he'll have to make it more clear to her if she can cross that line. until then she will respectfully lower her eyes a little - but there's no shame in crying - she's long past thinking that ...at least when it comes to other people. especially over things like this.]
You think I'm strong and brave. I can ...remember lots of times I wasn't.
There are all kinds of ways to be strong, Jun. I think we're just different kinds of strong. Some people would go through that ....what you had to do and they'd ...I dunno, maybe they'd never be able to really be a person again? They'd just give up on trying and stay in the ocean and never come here.
Or maybe they wouldn't have gotten as far as you did. Been able to give their---
[is that a tear making its way out her her? sure. does she try to wipe it away? nah.]
---life like you did. I think you're brave.
[she'd like for him to get better, but there are a lot of murky, muddled feelings lately as to what constitutes 'better'. mostly, she'd like him to cut himself more slack. pot. kettle. all that.]
Maybe better is just ...maybe we just change a little every day. As things happen. If you had to compare how you felt after Manabu offered you a place, after he told you he gave a shit, would you say that's better than how you felt before?
[it's something.]
cw: suicide mention
Date: 2022-09-17 10:15 pm (UTC)[It's... a lot. He hesitates, and then puts a hand on the couch between them. It's... he doesn't want to intrude on her personal space, and he doesn't want his intruded on, but it's something. It's reaching out, in a way.]
... I wanted to protect the world, if it had people like Kana in it. People who were so young, but willing to give it up to help people. I know, I know... 'you're young, too'. But she was younger than us... probably braver than all of us put together.
[It hurts, talking about Kana. But he's never going to get better if he doesn't pick at those scabs a little.]
It took me some work to become myself again. I remember having trouble keeping my shape when I first washed up here. ... It's like I didn't want to be alive again. Sometimes I don't. I know it was this place pushing me, but... I tried to kill myself shortly after I got here. I couldn't bear it.
[But now can he? He's not sure. But he doesn't have a choice.]
I'm... I'm not strong. I don't feel strong, anyway. But I have to keep going.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-19 10:37 pm (UTC)that's a lot for someone to give, even if they're too good. she watches him wrestle with this, lets her eyes drift to her own lap, to the omen, and when his hand touches the couch she doesn't move to cover it with her own the way she might with some people, but she does lean in to very tenderly stroke the dog's nose. the omens are a part of them, right?
mostly, she just listens. he'd been right about the 'you're young, too' - she might have interjected if not for that. his pain is palpable without any trench-given abilities, without magic or super senses or what have you - it's writ all over him in words, in the way his face moves and doesn't. she's again reminded of jinx's first arrival - how she'd struggled to keep her form due to things vi can only guess at, can only summarize into 'overwhelm' of many kinds.]
That? The decision to keep going? That's one way of being strong.
[she doesn't want to make this about her - it isn't. so she only offers the core of it without details.]
I've felt that way, too.
[she didn't do anything about it - no hardline attempt - but she'd thrown herself into countless dicey fights in prison - with both guards and inmates - was it in anyone's best interest to even keep her alive? not likely. what had that said about her care (or lack of) about her own life.]
I'm sorry about Kana.
[she just leaves the opening - because it might be too painful to ask anything else, and he doesn't need to be pushed. she doesn't want to do that, but she doesn't want to shut him down either. she's made that mistake before.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-20 12:27 am (UTC)[Jun pulls his hand away - maybe it was too much to hope for. But he listens, wrestling with the idea of being strong. Is he? Maybe from some perspectives. He doesn't feel like he is... but maybe that's normal. Maybe people who are strong never do feel that way.]
[It's not like he can ask people.]
I... I'm sorry. I'm... glad you made it, though. I'm glad you're here.
[What to say about Kana? He treated her horribly, only started caring about her when it was too late... he's a terrible person and a worse brother. He feels that gross feeling in the pit of his stomach again, like he ate something heavy and it's just sitting there.]
... Thanks. I... maybe she'll show up here some day.
[He doesn't want her to - this place is dangerous and horrible. But he selfishly does want to talk to her just one more time. One more conversation, to tell her he's sorry.]
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